‘Twas a glorious sunny morning when we arrived in Leighton Buzzard, fresh from a 45 minute train journey from London.
Our journey had been pleasant, we cracked open a few morning cannies of beer and enjoyed them to the sweet views of roads becoming fields, cars becoming cows, and the evil eyes full of hatred of all other passengers surrounding us on the train.
Looking to avoid the 15 minute walk by any means necessary we strolled up to a taxi and asked that driver deliver us to the hotel, which he did for what we later realised was an extortionate price.
Arriving at the hotel was like living in a dream. Could we believe our eyes? Were we finally completing our long held ambition of staying overnight in a spoons hotel? Our eyes gazed at the wondrous sight and then we looked at each other and smiled. Made it. The Swan is a grand, grade listed building adorned with a noble swan atop.
We made our way through the pub up to reception and our greeting was friendly and helpful, we had arrived a few hours before check-in but we had other plans for the day that didn’t include carrying our bags around. Not a problem we were told, we could leave our bags in our room before it was ready, no bother. The lady we spoke to was kind, funny and helpful and recommended some things we could do around town if we had the time. She also informed us that our room was situated above the kitchens so may be a little warm later and advised we open the window when we were in there.
After a lengthy, arduous and tiring trip out to the sumptuous yet dull Waddesdon manor, the cultural activity we had booked tickets for to buttress our Spoons hotel dreams, these two best friends were more than ready to relax in our room. We immediately checked out the beds which were very comfortable however they were also on wheels so well oiled that the smallest of farts propelled us across the room towards each other at lightning speed.
Our next check was the bathroom, very clean and tidy with numerous signs on the walls for how to best stay safe within its confines. It’s best you read these signs carefully and take heed of the warnings, unlike one of us who, showing a great amount of arrogance, ignored the plaque dedicated to the importance of using the provided shower mat whilst showering. ‘Nonsense’ thought she, ‘The shower mat is for children and the elderly, I am neither and therefore I shall be fine without’.
It did not take her long to realise her great error and she proceeded to have the most terrifying batheing experience of her life. Images of falling over, breaking her neck and being found dead and naked haunted her, the only thought in her mind that when she did inevitably fall on that most slippery of baths she must pull the shower curtain down with her to keep the tattered shreds of her dignity from slipping through her cold dead fingers.
Shockingly she made it through without meeting her maker and has since mended her sign-ignoring ways.
We later went to dinner at pizza express and gorged ourselves safe in the knowledge that our hotel was across the road from us so we could go all out. We headed back for a pintie in the warm early summer garden and stopped off to pick up some bottles of beer at the bar en route to our room, a novel experience for us. After getting ready for bed we opened the window, the words of the caveating receptionist who warned of the heat, ringing in our ears.
Little did we know that the opening of that tiny window was the equivalent of throwing one ice cube into a volcano. The heat was all encompassing, only getting stronger as the night went on. We resisted using the air conditioning out of sheer laziness but finally gave up and plugged it in. The noise of a jet engine filled our room which only helped drown the sounds of our laughter at our situation – a probable plus for the patrons who probably believed they were sharing a floor with cackling witches. Once we were sufficiently cooled down we switched it off and fell asleep to the sounds of birds waking up with the sunrise.
The first thing we did come morning was call room service and order a couple of delicious caramel frappes. They arrived promptly and were an excellent way to begin the day. Creamy and delicious, they set us up to go downstairs for our traditional Spoons breakfast, the absolute prerequisite before signing out of a Spoons hotel. All in all our experience was wonderful and worthy of the two fine Swans we are.